Unofficially she’d come to believe in God
because it seemed handy to have
someone to ask the impossible from,
credit for the unexplainable, and
blame for things beyond control.

My conversations with God have come to an end. I don’t ask for anything – neither the impossible, not even credit for the unexplainable. It’s a friendship that ended this year. However, it’s not that I don’t believe God exists. God very much exists, just that I don’t communicate with Him and that’s fine with me. I don’t think He is of any use to anyone. But since it feels convenient, and I need someone to blame tonight – God it is.

A few years ago I wrote a post about my becoming aware of the gender divide and how the “men” in my life were running off to the opposite team. It was difficult for me to come to realize that the eon-old quarrel between the sexes was every bit real and that I would have to be a warrior for the female sex. I think I’ve done very badly for my team. I don’t believe in feminism and in spite of resisting all attempts to be a part of this bandwagon, I have had a few of the clichéd altercations with some men I know. Suffice to say I come out looking like the stereotypical woman that they taught you about and I simply detest it. My tirade today is against how this world works and the only blame lies with God specially because I don’t want to be a part of this male-female battle.

I’ve never wished that I were a boy. Never. Not even when I could never stay out late. Not when I couldn’t take impromptu trips to wherever me and my friends fancied. Not when I was inappropriately touched. Not when I was asked to dress more conservatively. Not when I had and still do have unbearable period cramps. Not even when my folks find it so difficult to find someone I can spend my life with. Not even when I read the news and find politicians and other dim-sighted people blaming women for sexual assaults. In short, I have never wanted to be a boy because I have always been glad to be the girl I am. I was always aware of the fact that there was something about me that was special even if no one else saw it.

However, I have come to realise that the world wishes I were a boy. It’s not going to let me be safe because I have breasts and not a penis. I guess that’s because they like breasts too and would want them. I just refuse to give them mine, and they have a problem with that. The society is going to make every possible stinging judgement at how I dress – no matter what I wear. They’re going to make me feel damned that I decide to wear clothes which they do not approve of. The world is going to feed my parents stories of paranoia about how a 27 year old girl has been left loose to live as she likes. As if I were a boar to be domesticated. They wish I were a boy so that they could feel comfortable to allow me to have dreams that were beyond my reach. Only if I were a boy would that be acceptable. So damn me that I am not one.

How dare I? Just how dare I walk on the streets and expect to be safe? How dare I expect to still be single without a man being my guardian? How dare I dream of travelling the world alone? How dare I get educated? What good is this education doing me? I’m just sprouting wings and wanting to fly away. Why should I be allowed? How dare I expect to be treated well, by other men and even women? I am not a boy. It’s a man’s world after all. What’s a puny woman doing in it deciding that she could live at all?

And this has nothing to do with men deciding how the women should live. This had everything to do with God being whoever He is. The world was created in favour of men, and being anything else is a crime. That’s why they call God, He/Him. He skewed this world in the favour of men. He made everyone call Him, Him. He’s wrecked it for the women creating them only because he wanted to have some fun. You get respect if you’re a boy. You get the license to anything and everything if you’re a boy. You can throw around your weight because you’re a boy. You can strut around anywhere you want, come home anytime you like, and pull anyone’s clothes off as you wish. Because you’re a boy. You rule the family. You rule the state. You rule this world because you’re a boy. I think Hitler had the wrong idea. He went after the Jews when instead he should have gone after all the women in the world. He should have killed them all. There would be no procreation, no more Jews, no more anything.

This is a man’s world and will always be. Nothing will ever change. Feminism won’t help. No amount of dialogue or force will help. What were the women even thinking?

For the first time in my life, I pity myself for being a girl. What was I thinking?